This is where I stand.
A secret stumbled into my life nearly one year ago to date. Things were fine and I was sworn to the utmost secrecy. Which was okay, because I considered them friends.
But their overwhelming attitude towards me and how they expected so much from me with out giving me anything to work with tore into me a little.
Kindly forcing me to befriend others only to cut me from their lives by slandering me...making me want to try to put it all behind me.
when I did...they turned back and dug fangs of guilt into me. So I sat there utterly confused. Being told to wait because things will get better. Then turned back into being their whipping post. Someone to blame.
Even when it was never my fault.
I wanted to hurt myself....a lot because the inner struggle was so bad. Thankfully I'm too prideful.and stubborn to do that. I just don't understand why I trust people so much. They use me for my kindness...and my gifts and talents which I have abandoned all together because of them!
I wish for them to know. That thanks to the termoil they put me through. I'm much less of a person now. The depression is maddening. And instead to waking up wondering how bad my day will be...I open my eyes questioning my exsistance at all.... Every morning.
Because of them...I slowly turned away and distanced myself from the few people I held dear. I make efforts to talk to them but they are weak and awkward.
So I don't bother.
When men approach me I shoot them down before they can even say hello to me. Even when I try not to it happens and its all because of you!
And to protect what? My heart? Why there is nothing left but an organ used to specifically pump blood. My soul? Yeah right Its pass the point of malnutrition due to lack of love.
Am I selfish for not wanting to feel this way? I know if I say anything only chaos will be made. Or should I deteriorate underneath this honorable silence.
And eventually settle down to sleep forever in the grave that they beautifully constrcted for me?
The honorable thing...?
The right thing?
*sigh*
Hmm. Being stuck in between the sword and the wall, I know that feeling too well. My dearest Sally, you know I simply adore you and everything you do. The last thing I would ever want is for you to suffer but as we all know love, and pain, happiness and anger are all too close to one another. Breathe. Take a moment to just sit and breathe. Sit and ask yourself where you stand and what you feel. And if you need to, vent. Vent it all out. If you keep everything inside of you, the day you least expect it everything will completely just explode out of you. All the emotions, the tears, the pain, the memories everything will just be this big rush of emotions that you don't understand. I know that feeling too well, and it's horrible. I've been hurt by a boy before too. This boy who I dare not even call a man. The boy that put me through so much hell for a year and two months. The boy that made me cry myself to sleep every night and wonder why I even existed or If I was even worth it. But you know something? Sometimes you just gotta vent it all out. Scream, cry, laugh, just let it all out. Our emotions are stronger than we are and even though we hide everything from everyone we can't hide them from ourselves. We can keep them to ourselves but we can not tame them. They will eventually just burst in the most unprecedented time. Before it kills you, kill it. I hope I helped in any way..and If I didn't I'll still try. Take care and good luck, Sally<3.
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